What If ADHD and Being Gay Is Part of Why You’ve Always Felt “Too Much” or “Not Enough”?

You’ve probably felt it for as long as you can remember—that quiet hum of not quite fitting. Of being a little too loud, a little too sensitive, a little too scatterbrained. Or maybe the opposite: not driven enough, not calm enough, not together enough. Always either too much or not enough.
And maybe you’ve learned to hide it well. To mask. To blend. To become whoever people needed you to be in that moment—especially in gay spaces where charm, control, and confidence are often the unspoken currency.
But what if this constant feeling of “wrongness” isn’t because you’re broken?
What if it’s because you’ve been trying to survive in a world that wasn’t built for your brain—or your identity?

You Grew Up Learning How to Edit Yourself
If you’re a gay man with ADHD, chances are high that you’ve been masking in multiple ways your whole life.
You learned early how to make yourself more palatable. Quieter. More organized. Less emotional. More impressive.
Maybe you got really good at being “the funny one” or “the smart one.” Maybe you became the perfectionist, the problem-solver, the person who always had it together on the outside—even if it was total chaos on the inside.
You probably internalized this belief that success comes from controlling the parts of you that felt impulsive, messy, or out of sync. But at what cost?

ADHD Isn’t Just About Focus. It’s About Emotion, Too.
ADHD doesn’t just affect your ability to stay on task or manage your calendar. It affects how you feel, how deeply you feel it, and how quickly you respond to things emotionally.
Rejection hits harder. Criticism cuts deeper. Uncertainty can be paralyzing.
You may find yourself overthinking every interaction, replaying conversations, wondering if you said too much—or not enough.
And because many ADHD traits don’t “look” like what people expect, especially in high-achieving adults, you might have gone undiagnosed—or misdiagnosed—for years.
You may have heard things like:

• “You’re so intense.”
• “Why do you take everything so personally?”
• “You’re being dramatic.”
• “Just try harder.”

Each of those moments chips away at your self-trust. And when you combine that with the pressure many gay men already feel to fit in, be liked, or stay polished, it’s no wonder you feel exhausted.

Masking Keeps You Safe… Until It Doesn’t
The thing about masking is that it works—until it starts to hurt more than it helps.
At some point, you might start to feel disconnected from who you really are. You might find yourself stuck in patterns of burnout, self-doubt, or emotional disconnection.
You might look successful on paper but still feel like something is missing.
You might feel frustrated that no matter how much you do, it never feels like enough.
And deep down, you might wonder:
Would anyone love me if they saw the whole picture?
What if I stop performing—and everything falls apart?

You Are Not Too Much. You Are Not Broken. You Are Wired Differently.
Living with ADHD doesn’t mean you’re flawed. And being a gay man navigating that with layers of social pressure and emotional history? That’s a lot.
But your sensitivity is not a weakness. Your intensity isn’t a liability. Your mind moves fast because it’s creative, curious, and alive.
You don’t need to keep shrinking or stretching to fit the mold.
What you need is space to just be—without editing.


Therapy Can Be That Space
If you’ve spent your whole life trying to hold it all together, you deserve a place where you don’t have to.
A place where you can drop the mask, explore what’s underneath, learn effective coping, and begin to reconnect with the parts of yourself that were never too much to begin with.
Therapy can help you unlearn the shame, understand how ADHD shows up in your life, and build a relationship with yourself that feels real—not performative.
Because you’re not “too much” or “not enough.”
You’re exactly right—you just haven’t been allowed to believe it yet.

If this resonates with you and you reside in CA, reach out to me for a consultation to see if we are a good fit. You don’t have to keep doing this alone.
Reach out when you’re ready—I’m here.